The Clitorides Awards

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The 2000 Golden Clitorides Awards

The Awards Gala

Rui Jorge came from behind a curtain and walked up to the podium. He tugged nervously at his red bow tie. Decked out in a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund, he tapped on the microphone and winced as the sound reverberated through the banquet hall.

"Ahem," he said, clearing his throat. The noise from the crowd died down, and he started to feel the first twinges of panic as every eye in the room focused on him.

"I know that Maria was supposed to be your host for this evening . . . "

"Then where is she?" someone yelled out.

"Um, Maria wanted to be here, but a bad case of writer's block has her at home staring at the computer screen like a -- well, like a writer who has writer's block." Rui could feel himself starting to sweat. He didn't know why he'd let Maria talk him into this in the first place.

The crowd started murmuring and the voices continued to get louder and more insistent. Rui thought he heard someone mention "lynching," but he wasn't one hundred percent sure.

A tall, handsome man dressed in rugged brown clothing, stood up and hollered, "Let the man speak, for cripes' sake!" His Australian accent caused half the women in the room to reach for their smelling salts. Rui wasn't sure, but he thought he saw light reflecting off of a finely honed sword for a brief second.

A blonde stood up, dressed in skimpy clothing and four-inch heels. "Yeah, settle down y'all or I'll have to kick some ass, Texas style!"

Thankfully, the crowd seemed to settle down, though there were still a few disgruntled murmurs. "Thank you, Ace and Katie R.," Rui said gratefully.

Wanting to get the announcements over with as quickly as possible, Rui took out the speech he'd prepared and uncrumpled the paper. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories. The accounting firm of R.J.N.P has finished counting all of the votes. As Maria said last year, the true winners in these awards are the readers who laugh, cry, bitch, and masturbate right along with us, when reading our stories."

He took an envelope out of his jacket pocket, and ripped it open. "And now, the clittie for Best Author of 2000 goes to MichaelD."

There was a roar from the crowd as everyone got to their feet, and thunderous applause filled the room. MichaelD didn't even attempt to approach the stage; there were too many women throwing themselves at him.

"That's okay, Michael, you can post your acceptance speech to your website if you prefer."

Michael nodded, disentangling himself from all but a couple of the women, and sat back down.

"Next up," Rui said, starting to relax somewhat, "is the clittie for best story of 2000. The award goes to... it's a tie! The award goes to JohnA for 'Love is All You Need?' and DrSpin for 'The Ace Dyson Series'."

JohnA and DrSpin both stood up and smiled at each other from across the room. A whoop of joy was heard from Ace Dyson, and the other half of the women reached for their smelling salts.

Getting into the swing of things now, Rui loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his snow-white tuxedo shirt. "Next up, the winner of the best new author for 2000 is... oh my! It's a three-way tie, just like last year! Voted the best new authors of 2000 are Katie McN, DrSpin and Souvie!"

Suddenly DrSpin found himself stuck in between two gorgeous Texan women. He didn't know whether to cover his privates, or get in as many gropes as he could. Remembering Lexi and John R. just in time, he joined them in the group hug, keeping his hands well above waist level.

The two women blew kisses to the rest of the crowd while Spin just grinned really big. They sat down, and the crowd quieted again.

"And now," Rui said, his breath low and filled with anticipation. He was almost through, and could see the end in sight. "The newest clittie category, best story by a new author. The winner is 'Romancing Jack' written by Souvie."

Souvie stood on shaky legs to accept the applause of her fellow writers. She fanned herself with her hands, and gave a wobbly curtsey. She'd let Katie talk her into wearing four-inch heels, and was a bit unsteady because of them.

"I'd like to thank you all for your attendance tonight at the Second Annual Golden Clitorides Awards. Anyone who wants to go and have a word with Maria for not coming tonight, see me behind the stage, and I'll give you her address. Don't forget to drive carefully! Oh," Rui called out as an afterthought, "would whoever took the condom machines from the restrooms please return them."

'Writers!' Rui thought as he climbed down from the stage.

Little Auric Annie

Best Story

Story Finish
The Ace Dyson series by DrSpin winner
Aftermath by Pami nominee
Amber - the Making of a Fuck Toy by Richard Bissell nominee
Animal Attraction by Michael D nominee
Auction - Lisette's story by Maria Gonzales nominee
Bay Bridge Soliloquy by Richard Rivers nominee
Be prepared by Jenny Wanshel nominee
Betsy Fifty Bucks by DrSpin nominee
The Blueblood Slut by DrSpin nominee
Body Double by Generic Joe nominee
The Booty Bandit v. The St. Mary's School for Troubled Girls by MichaelD nominee
Call Girl Cheerleaders by Richard Bissell nominee
Chip Malone by E.Z. Riter nominee
The Club by Pami nominee
Coin Operated by Jimmy Hat nominee
Coming to America by Kristen Becker nominee
Commanding Agent Stanton by Jimmy Hat nominee
Cupid's last shot by Virago Blue nominee
Dancing in the Dark by Sven the Elder nominee
December Bride by Lord Shon nominee
Defining the Crime by Anne 747 nominee
Doing It All Over by Al Steiner finalist
Doors by EZ Riter nominee
Dr Bobbie Johnson by Billy G nominee
Everything Goes (The Game Show) by Maria Gonzales nominee
For the Love of Becca by Virago Blue finalist
The James Sisters by Nicholas Urfé nominee
Janey's September by Jane Urquhart nominee
Kiko and the Master of Sitonyou by Lord Shon nominee
A Letter to Vanessa by Katie McN nominee
Love is All You Need? by JohnA winner
Mall Cupid by Jimmy Hat nominee
Mother's Adulterous Affections by DrSpin nominee
Night Flight by Al Steiner nominee
One of Those things by Allison George nominee
On the Horns by Malinov nominee
Paint by Virago Blue nominee
Partners by Maria Gonzales nominee
Paternity by Virago Blue nominee
The Prisoner by Mr Slot nominee
Reunion by JohnA finalist
Romancing Jack by Souvie nominee
Ruthie's Smile" by Jack of all Trades nominee
Scales and Arpeggios by Oosh nominee
Seasonal Kisses by Desdmona nominee
Sharing Kim by E.Z. Riter nominee
She Let Me Pull It by Richard Rivers nominee
Sometimes Love Is Not Enough by Jack of all Trades nominee
Spring Break Arrangements by Virago Blue nominee
The Teaser by MichealD nominee
Three Days in August by MichaelD nominee
Thunderstruck by Miss Behavin nominee
V-Day by EZ Riter nominee
Vector by MichaelD nominee
Welcome to Miami by JohnA finalist
Why Rose 36 Cried by DrSpin nominee
Little Auric Annie

Best Author

Author Finish
Al Steiner finalist
DrSpin finalist
Jane Urquhart nominee
Jimmy-Hat nominee
JohnA finalist
Katie McN finalist
Nicholas Urfé nominee
Margie Donnadieu nominee
Maria Gonzales nominee
MichealD winner
Miss Behavin' nominee
Richard Rivers finalist
Souvie nominee
Vicky Morgan nominee
Virago Blue nominee
Little Auric Annie

Best Story by a New Author

Story Finish
The Ace Dyson series by DrSpin finalist
Betsy Fifty Bucks by DrSpin nominee
A Bit of Consolation by DrSpin nominee
Breakup by Jack of All Trades nominee
Chocolate dreams by Kim Lotuseater nominee
Claudette of the North by Katie McN nominee
Conventions of Magic by Alexi92 nominee
Crush by Mr Slot nominee
Dark Damsel II: Betrayals by Echo nominee
Debt Without Honour by Alecia D nominee
An Extraordinary woman by Jack of all trades nominee
Final Return by Jack of all Trades nominee
Ginger by John Jameson nominee
Jen's titillating behavior by DrSpin nominee
Just Paul by DrSpin nominee
Land of the Wild Cocks by Laura Smith nominee
Librarian (1, 2, 3, 4) by Mr. Slot nominee
The Librarian by Kim Lotuseater finalist
Mardis Gras by Maggie Mcgee nominee
Mother knows best by Katie McN finalist
My Story by Laura Smith nominee
Romancing Jack by Souvie winner
See Betsy Run by MrSlot finalist
SEX by Jack of all trades nominee
The Siren by Margie Donnadieu nominee
Sister Mary Margaret by Katie McN nominee
Sometimes Love is not Enough by Jack of all trades finalist
The Stroke of Midnight by Souvie finalist
Teachers Pets by Kim Lotuseater nominee
Why Rose 36 Cried by DrSpin nominee
Yard Work by Monika Blue nominee
The Blue-Blood Slut by DrSpin finalist
Little Auric Annie

Best New Author

Author Finish
Alexi92 nominee
DrSpin winner
Echo nominee
Jack of all Trades finalist
John Jameson finalist
Katie McN winner
Kim Lotuseater nominee
Laura Smith finalist
Maggie McGee nominee
Margie Donnadieu finalist
Mr. Slot finalist
Souvie winner
Little Auric Annie
A pale yellow background indicates a winner.
A varied blue background indicates a finalist.