The 2000 Golden Clitorides Awards

The Awards Gala

Rui Jorge came from behind a curtain and walked up to the podium. He tugged nervously at his red bow tie. Decked out in a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund, he tapped on the microphone and winced as the sound reverberated through the banquet hall.

"Ahem," he said, clearing his throat. The noise from the crowd died down, and he started to feel the first twinges of panic as every eye in the room focused on him.

"I know that Maria was supposed to be your host for this evening . . . "

"Then where is she?" someone yelled out.

"Um, Maria wanted to be here, but a bad case of writer's block has her at home staring at the computer screen like a -- well, like a writer who has writer's block." Rui could feel himself starting to sweat. He didn't know why he'd let Maria talk him into this in the first place.

The crowd started murmuring and the voices continued to get louder and more insistent. Rui thought he heard someone mention "lynching," but he wasn't one hundred percent sure.

A tall, handsome man dressed in rugged brown clothing, stood up and hollered, "Let the man speak, for cripes' sake!" His Australian accent caused half the women in the room to reach for their smelling salts. Rui wasn't sure, but he thought he saw light reflecting off of a finely honed sword for a brief second.

A blonde stood up, dressed in skimpy clothing and four-inch heels. "Yeah, settle down y'all or I'll have to kick some ass, Texas style!"

Thankfully, the crowd seemed to settle down, though there were still a few disgruntled murmurs. "Thank you, Ace and Katie R.," Rui said gratefully.

Wanting to get the announcements over with as quickly as possible, Rui took out the speech he'd prepared and uncrumpled the paper. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories. The accounting firm of R.J.N.P has finished counting all of the votes. As Maria said last year, the true winners in these awards are the readers who laugh, cry, bitch, and masturbate right along with us, when reading our stories."

He took an envelope out of his jacket pocket, and ripped it open. "And now, the clittie for Best Author of 2000 goes to MichaelD."

There was a roar from the crowd as everyone got to their feet, and thunderous applause filled the room. MichaelD didn't even attempt to approach the stage; there were too many women throwing themselves at him.

"That's okay, Michael, you can post your acceptance speech to your website if you prefer."

Michael nodded, disentangling himself from all but a couple of the women, and sat back down.

"Next up," Rui said, starting to relax somewhat, "is the clittie for best story of 2000. The award goes to... it's a tie! The award goes to JohnA for 'Love is All You Need?' and DrSpin for 'The Ace Dyson Series'."

JohnA and DrSpin both stood up and smiled at each other from across the room. A whoop of joy was heard from Ace Dyson, and the other half of the women reached for their smelling salts.

Getting into the swing of things now, Rui loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his snow-white tuxedo shirt. "Next up, the winner of the best new author for 2000 is... oh my! It's a three-way tie, just like last year! Voted the best new authors of 2000 are Katie McN, DrSpin and Souvie!"

Suddenly DrSpin found himself stuck in between two gorgeous Texan women. He didn't know whether to cover his privates, or get in as many gropes as he could. Remembering Lexi and John R. just in time, he joined them in the group hug, keeping his hands well above waist level.

The two women blew kisses to the rest of the crowd while Spin just grinned really big. They sat down, and the crowd quieted again.

"And now," Rui said, his breath low and filled with anticipation. He was almost through, and could see the end in sight. "The newest clittie category, best story by a new author. The winner is 'Romancing Jack' written by Souvie."

Souvie stood on shaky legs to accept the applause of her fellow writers. She fanned herself with her hands, and gave a wobbly curtsey. She'd let Katie talk her into wearing four-inch heels, and was a bit unsteady because of them.

"I'd like to thank you all for your attendance tonight at the Second Annual Golden Clitorides Awards. Anyone who wants to go and have a word with Maria for not coming tonight, see me behind the stage, and I'll give you her address. Don't forget to drive carefully! Oh," Rui called out as an afterthought, "would whoever took the condom machines from the restrooms please return them."

'Writers!' Rui thought as he climbed down from the stage.

Best Story
Story	Finish
The Ace Dyson series by DrSpin	winner
Aftermath by Pami	nominee
Amber - the Making of a Fuck Toy by Richard Bissell	nominee
Animal Attraction by Michael D	nominee
Auction - Lisette's story by Maria Gonzales	nominee
Bay Bridge Soliloquy by Richard Rivers	nominee
Be prepared by Jenny Wanshel	nominee
Betsy Fifty Bucks by DrSpin	nominee
The Blueblood Slut by DrSpin	nominee
Body Double by Generic Joe	nominee
The Booty Bandit v. The St. Mary's School for Troubled Girls by MichaelD	nominee
Call Girl Cheerleaders by Richard Bissell	nominee
Chip Malone by E.Z. Riter	nominee
The Club by Pami	nominee
Coin Operated by Jimmy Hat	nominee
Coming to America by Kristen Becker	nominee
Commanding Agent Stanton by Jimmy Hat	nominee
Cupid's last shot by Virago Blue	nominee
Dancing in the Dark by Sven the Elder	nominee
December Bride by Lord Shon	nominee
Defining the Crime by Anne 747	nominee
Doing It All Over by Al Steiner	finalist
Doors by EZ Riter	nominee
Dr Bobbie Johnson by Billy G	nominee
Everything Goes (The Game Show) by Maria Gonzales	nominee
For the Love of Becca by Virago Blue	finalist
The James Sisters by Nicholas Urfé	nominee
Janey's September by Jane Urquhart	nominee
Kiko and the Master of Sitonyou by Lord Shon	nominee
A Letter to Vanessa by Katie McN	nominee
Love is All You Need? by JohnA	winner
Mall Cupid by Jimmy Hat	nominee
Mother's Adulterous Affections by DrSpin	nominee
Night Flight by Al Steiner	nominee
One of Those things by Allison George	nominee
On the Horns by Malinov	nominee
Paint by Virago Blue	nominee
Partners by Maria Gonzales	nominee
Paternity by Virago Blue	nominee
The Prisoner by Mr Slot	nominee
Reunion by JohnA	finalist
Romancing Jack by Souvie	nominee
Ruthie's Smile" by Jack of all Trades	nominee
Scales and Arpeggios by Oosh	nominee
Seasonal Kisses by Desdmona	nominee
Sharing Kim by E.Z. Riter	nominee
She Let Me Pull It by Richard Rivers	nominee
Sometimes Love Is Not Enough by Jack of all Trades	nominee
Spring Break Arrangements by Virago Blue	nominee
The Teaser by MichealD	nominee
Three Days in August by MichaelD	nominee
Thunderstruck by Miss Behavin	nominee
V-Day by EZ Riter	nominee
Vector by MichaelD	nominee
Welcome to Miami by JohnA	finalist
Why Rose 36 Cried by DrSpin	nominee

Best Author
Author	Finish
Al Steiner	finalist
DrSpin	finalist
Jane Urquhart	nominee
Jimmy-Hat	nominee
JohnA	finalist
Katie McN	finalist
Nicholas Urfé	nominee
Margie Donnadieu	nominee
Maria Gonzales	nominee
MichealD	winner
Miss Behavin'	nominee
Richard Rivers	finalist
Souvie	nominee
Vicky Morgan	nominee
Virago Blue	nominee

Best Story by a New Author
Story	Finish
The Ace Dyson series by DrSpin	finalist
Betsy Fifty Bucks by DrSpin	nominee
A Bit of Consolation by DrSpin	nominee
Breakup by Jack of All Trades	nominee
Chocolate dreams by Kim Lotuseater	nominee
Claudette of the North by Katie McN	nominee
Conventions of Magic by Alexi92	nominee
Crush by Mr Slot	nominee
Dark Damsel II: Betrayals by Echo	nominee
Debt Without Honour by Alecia D	nominee
An Extraordinary woman by Jack of all trades	nominee
Final Return by Jack of all Trades	nominee
Ginger by John Jameson	nominee
Jen's titillating behavior by DrSpin	nominee
Just Paul by DrSpin	nominee
Land of the Wild Cocks by Laura Smith	nominee
Librarian (1, 2, 3, 4) by Mr. Slot	nominee
The Librarian by Kim Lotuseater	finalist
Mardis Gras by Maggie Mcgee	nominee
Mother knows best by Katie McN	finalist
My Story by Laura Smith	nominee
Romancing Jack by Souvie	winner
See Betsy Run by MrSlot	finalist
SEX by Jack of all trades	nominee
The Siren by Margie Donnadieu	nominee
Sister Mary Margaret by Katie McN	nominee
Sometimes Love is not Enough by Jack of all trades	finalist
The Stroke of Midnight by Souvie	finalist
Teachers Pets by Kim Lotuseater	nominee
Why Rose 36 Cried by DrSpin	nominee
Yard Work by Monika Blue	nominee
The Blue-Blood Slut by DrSpin	finalist

Best New Author
Author	Finish
Alexi92	nominee
DrSpin	winner
Echo	nominee
Jack of all Trades	finalist
John Jameson	finalist
Katie McN	winner
Kim Lotuseater	nominee
Laura Smith	finalist
Maggie McGee	nominee
Margie Donnadieu	finalist
Mr. Slot	finalist
Souvie	winner

A pale yellow background indicates a winner.

A varied blue background indicates a finalist.